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It sucks knowing you could have everything you ever wanted...
but you screwed up your chances for it by being a fucking moron...

i always wanted someone to love me.. Someone i could love in return...
and over the years ive had so many chances but something always went wrong.. Sometimes my fault.. Usualy just because they didnt really want me...


but i could have had it for real this time.. And i was so busy being afraid that i let it all get away...
i was afraid id get hurt again.. Or that id just end up getting used... And in the end me being as cautious as i was.. Caused it...

i wake up every morning with a memory of you etched in my mind..
and the longer i think about it.. The more painful it because.. Overshadowed by someone else..

no matter what i do.. There will always be someone who can do better.. There will always be someone who i just cant compete with...
i wish that i had done what i needed to do when i had the chance.,.. And now that its too late.. I have nothing but regret...

no happy memories.. All my memories just make me realize how much of a fool i was...
every touch... Every kiss... Every stupid little argument.. All those things that made us who we were together.. All they do is make a fool of me now.. Taunting me and rubbing in my face that theres nothing left for me to do...

i just want something.. Something to hold on to right now to let me know that its all okay.. That everything will be okay...
my friends arnt really the emotionaly comforting type.. The only one i ever could turn to for that kind of comfort was you.. And.. It seems wrong some how to seek comfort for pain thats caused by this from you..

so i have to cry my tears alone.. Like i have since my best friend left
and all i really want to say is...
"i love you so much.. Please just come home..."

but.. What home is there to come back to.. What reason would you have to come back...

as they say.. You dont know what you have till its gone.. Cliched i know but anyone whos ever felt this way knows its true...




still holding onto the hope that one day ill be good enough for someone...
Dusty


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So, last week, I registered to get an information package to go to Blanche McDonald for next year, and I just got the today. The courses look amazing, the professors have amazing credentials. This school is exactly what I need. But while I was looking at the application, and saw the cost of the school I was kind of shocked.

Itapos;s $14,000 for the full time, 11 month professional makeup artistry course I want to take. But with kit fees, as well as supplies, Iapos;m looking at around $17,500. Now, Iapos;ve saved about $14,000 with all my working that Iapos;ve done since I finished high school, and it scares me that I donapos;t have enough. Itapos;s going to be hard for me to get a loan, considering my dad makes too much money for me to be eligible for most.

Also, I have to look for a place to live in Vancouver, which I think is going to be pretty hard, especially since the Vancouver Olympics are coming closer and closer. I wish I knew more people there.

Augh.

I want this so bad.
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Inner thoughts..

Something just feel more and more strange whenever I attend church.

Dun get it wrong, nothing can shake my faith, but things in church just seems wrong.

Maybe it is only to me?

Firstly, one of my cell member chose not to come for service.

Because �of the sermon?

The worship?

This cell member was away for a while to attend New Creation.



Today during service, I was trying to put myself in that cell memberapos;s shoe.

Man, I tell you, if iapos;ve been to New Creation before, I would be a real nuts to come back here again.

During the worship, this time round I tried sitting nearer to the centre. (where sound suppose to be better)

We just did a major revamp to the system. I was like "got difference meh?"

Come on letapos;s be real, seriously at my competency level, I really dun feel anything. Sigh..

And I donapos;t understand why songs that are often sang in english, and better known in english, must be sang in mandarin?

Everyone knows the �english lyrics by hard and can focus so much better. Even can sing without looking at the screen.

But with the chinese lyrics, man, it was really reading off the screen, and it sounds weird.

All due respect to the speaker, I was really trying very hard to keep myself awake.

It reminded me of my studying days, where i always sleep anyway.�

Anyway, iapos;m sure it can be better. �Really.



I seriously seriously dun blame the cell member that chose not to attend.

Sometimes maybe its better to be away and not know what happen, then to drag urself thru feelin so disappointed.



Then we have this event coming up on early Dec.

Ok, what iapos;m going to say, sure will get quoted by people for questioning me.

Sigh, by all means. But make sure youapos;re well prepared, I donapos;t hav much time to entertain silly debates. [ read the below with an open mind, they represents only MY stand. MY stand means it is MY stand. NOT your stand. So if you donapos;t agree, it is PERFECTLY NATURAL. NO need to get alarm. Because they are just MY stand. If donapos;t like, just donapos;t continue reading k? : ) ]

Arrogant? LOL.. Aiyo.. Relax.�

Looking at the way things are happening, I think all help should be appreciated.�

If not, postpone again.

1) Donapos;t over spiritualise things.�
All these publicity thingy, have nothing related to the event. Why I say so? Because all the publicity thingy that has been done, can be copied exactly and pasted onto any other evangelistic events My point is, get real. Do something unique that brings straight to the point.

(BTW for those who dunno what iapos;m talking about, this event is suppose to be an outreach event, which is outdoor natured. Something like a mini race/ tele-match thingy.)

Do something that is directly related. Donapos;t do things that are too general and does not feature the uniqueness of the event. Start with the end in mind. Dun just do something, and try annd means to link them together. It is really obvious, that great amount of effort, is in linking the publicity to the event.�

2) Eventapos;s nature.�
If its a race, get people to form their team. You want�enthusiasms? Let there be competitive atmosphere. How can be�enthusiasms when there is nothing to aim for? When there is a goal/target, there will be a drive to want to achieve it. Groups form up might not be fair? Think of rules to make it fair then. No one said that planning an adventure-natured race is going to be a walk in the park.

3) Award / prizes
Well hang the carrot, all the rabits wil come. Throw the worm, and the fishes will too. Throw nothing, well, you might need to wait for a long time. Put in prizes, but the right on please. Carrots for rabbits, worms for fishes. Dun mix them up.




Sigh how come now plan things for youth so difficult one?

Wha today complain a lot horz? LOL...

Take it as my Inner thoughts. ALREADY say its inner thoughts in my title already right? LOL..

~ yes, really is just my inner thoughts... Dun, like? Dun read lorz...


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And so another week begins...

I wonder what this one will hold. Most likely the same old shit, blah blah blah. Hopefully something SUPER AMAZING will happen. But what could it be? Hrm.

Plans for this week:

• Stick car online.
• Post this keyboard.
• Claim my M4 tolls back from the government (possibly the dumbest election promise ever, but yay, free money).
• Go over to my uncleapos;s sometime this week and scam dinner.
• Cheaparse Tuesday shall probably be Eagle Eye.
• Maybe dinner + TAB on Wednesday. Hmm.

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Claude. So i was doing one of my body inspections where i stand in front of a full length mirror (never really a great idea but it absolutely has to be done at least once a week), and i was thinking that i really do have the strangest body of all time. People that weigh more then me look a million times better, and this isnt even distorted image whatever. My whole body is pretty small, but then im really tall, and my hips go out. But then i have thin legs--which is confusing; and WORST of all, i have like legitimate hilary duff lizzy mcguire arms. They look so stupid adn big compared to everything else and im so tall it just makes me look fatter ahahah....im clearly not having the best of days here....

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Okaaaaaaaay, my day today started off with being extremely bored. I didnt know what to do, and im really restless. Msn-ing didnt help that much either. Sooooo, soon after, i went over to my auntapos;s place to play with Tasha since i was missing her. Sheapos;s super cute today Once she saw me at the doorstep, she hugged me straight Haha. She learned something new today. "Shut up". Very cuteeeeee. Haha, someone got a chance to listen to it. And she said "Happy Birthday Adik" to me. Very cute. So yeahh, i waited for the clock to struck 12. My aunt was overexcited about it. She suggested to play sparklers. Very cute lahh. Hahah, sooooooo, we went downstairs and it was really fun This is the best birthday ever Erm, i guess lahh. Iapos;ve gotten my present from Ros on 16th oct. My cousin was next. So yeahh, thanks a million peepos Okayy, i snapped alot today but im very lazy to upload. So yeahh, later

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME AND SYAKURA :DDD

Thanks Ros, An, Syahirah, Hafiz, Clinton, Diah, Atiqah, Suf, Hidz, Said, Liyana, Ruzaini, Shamini, Finah, Pavarne, Syakura, apos;Ain, Erin, Ronald, Hakim, Kak Aisyah, Abg I, Kak Fida.

AND�MANY�MORE Thanks a million I really love you people <33333
Okay, this birthday girl wanna sleep. :D

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arcelia ramirez

So I decided to write a journal....
I donapos;t know why; it deff isnapos;t my kinda thing.

ANYWAY

I WANT HER�
[[I wonapos;t use names, the ambiguity helps... Somehow.]]�
I want to be able to tell her what she means to me, how much I�care.� The hour I�actually got to see her was worth the entire weekend I spent back in (703); including the 7 hours of car rides� Grrr� But I canapos;t :apos;(� I know that the only thing that would hurt her anymore than I already did, would probably be me telling her something like that.� It would be completely unfair to her.� (Why did it take me sooo long to see that what I�had was "uh-mazing"?)� of course, she has somebody whoapos;s much more attractive then I am.� Heapos;s older, smarter, and more capable.� So even if I did try... Itapos;d be purdy futile =(

Anyway I guess Iapos;ll go watch the ring with a couple of my mates, instead of sitting here in my own self-pitty =/
Maybe Iapos;ll grow up along the way; who knows?

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